Stay Fearless

You must become a light in the dark, you must destroy that which is misery, and illuminate all else. You must gain your strength from within and, where possible, from others. You must use that strength to be fearless, to be strong. You must find a purpose in a life that has none. You must make yourself happy, and make those you care about happy. You must watch the stars to forget the world, You must love deeply where you find it, and accept those you love for who they are. You will not bow to this cold, you will not bow to this darkness, for you are the light, a blazing fury in an infinite nothing. Let fate come, let the universe burn you out, you will not go quietly into the night, you will never, ever go down without a struggle, you will not succumb to fear, you will fail at times, but you will triumph in the end. And if I die tomorrow, this way of life will have been my victory, if life is a war, you will lose many battles, but you will win the war.

Some days everything you look at has a little beauty. It's like that bottle on your desk has suddenly taken on the power of a grand work of art. A sunset, whether it's over the rise of buildings or mountaintops, or turning prairie and ocean to fire in it's wake, is enough to drive you to pure ecstasy. Billions of shimmering lights in sky dark like black velvet, shining with unequivocal brilliance... is just enough to set you at peace with the world... and maybe yourself. It's just the beauty of existing, and we all notice it far too rarely. It's there. Just remember that it's there.

I have not done a thing with myself, I keep putting it off until too late in the day. Will I ever learn? I might, but I doubt it. What is the rush anyways? There are a million things out there to fight for, but which one matters to you? or to me for that matter? It's a hard old world, its cold outside and somewhere... maybe more than one where, at this very moment someone is dying, and a new life is just beginning, and how cliche can I get? You dont want to know. It's all okay just so long as you just remember it's there. It exists, and it wants to exist. Now you have to ask yourself: do you want to exist? Do you want a purpose. Will you MAKE ONE FOR YOURSELF?!... I want to so very badly, but I dont know what I want to make it into... My life is the clay on the potters wheel, my mind is the wheel, and I am the hands shaping that clay, but my wheel wont turn... Although it has to be my decision in the end so perhaps i should just go with reckless abandon and dive right in... I'm a contradiction, but I think it's okay... just so long as you remember it's there, and everything will be okay... Sweet dreams

You can have anything in life as long as you're willing to give up everything else for it. What do you want? for that matter what do I want? well here's what comes to mind: I want a job I want to go to in the morning, I want someone to love who'll love me back, I want to have a full stomach and a good nights sleep most of the time, and a wicked party and crazy night any other time. I dont want to waste this time. So why do I say I dont know what I want? Maybe I'm afraid of commiting to the path that'll lead me to these things. It's not a hard road, in fact it's a lot of riding on someone else's dime... but I'm making it hard on myself because I cant decide what will bring me to that path, or I cant decide to jump in.... tomorrow, every time it's tomorrow.

I want to find something to do with myself. Right, I've said it I'm doing NOTHING these days, and it's starting to take a toll on that lumpy thing in my skull. Trouble is I'm either overthinking this way to much or I really just cant decide what I want to do with my life... maybe it's a fear of commitment. I've always had trouble commiting to school, relationships, work etc... so I guess i need to overcome that. In any case I've been talking big for far to long about leaving convergys, moving on, going back to school, finding something that suits me... and I havent even been looking for these things, just pushing them to the back of my mind and letting them gather dust. Then again, just how does one decide what they're going to do with their life if they dont feel strongly about anything in particular? I'm a reactionary, certain things bother me, but I'll only do something about them if they're really horrible or if they happen right in front of me. Anyhow, back to these troubled decisions... I'm good with technology, I like people so long as I dont have to do the whole customer service bullshit (ever been yelled at by 83 people in one day for something the company you work for doesn't even have control over? I have, on more than one occasion... fuck you comcast, in giant bold flaming neon fucking letters)... man I keep wandering off on tangents again... anyhow I dont know what I can apply that to because it opens a lot of doors, but not to anything that has peaked my interest so far. I could go into med, I have the ability, but I dont think I'd want someone elses life in my hands. Gah, good to get some of it down on paper... (well... you know what I mean) so I can mull it over later.

*sigh* these things are always good insight as to whats on my mind, because I have trouble processing my thoughts into anything sensible in my head.

I dont talk often. I havent updated this in some time, mostly because now that I'm working my only real dilemna is whether I should spend the money to hit the bar tonight with whichever people I know that are going out.

I hate that.

I hate the fact that my only challenges daily are: how best to best avoid ranting/demeaning/mauling or attacking some jackass who cannot understand why you do not put a modem through a dishwasher, and whether or not to go out and get blitzed.

Time to kill this Apathy and get a fucking move on? Yes... I think it finally is.

I'm back. and my liver is pissed at me. drank the last 4 nights in a row, tonight is the night off. Probably be back at it in a few days. Anyhow I'm not back in school, first sept in 14 years. kinda weird feeling, kinda miss it, kinda wish I was doing something with my life.

new shit: signed up for a tae kwon-do class with Wade, should be fun. Looking for a new job because dealing with ppl will ultimately end up with me having to bury some bodies and hide the shotgun (hey, you try helping americans with their computers, it's like showing a gerbil how to do calculus, they just wont fucking learn). The rig idea has been delayed until December-ish most likely, until this course of mine runs out anyhow. I've moved into my new place on rutgers, and I'm enjoying the large room. I've also switched to 4-10 hr shifts per wk instead of 5-8 hr shifts, resulting in an extra day off. Oh well, i dont figure I'll stick around anyways.

anyhow I'm not in a particularily happy mood lately, so if I tell you to go fuck yourself try not to take it personally.

g'nite

Give me no quarter, and I will give you the same respect.

so this is the world we live in. It is filled with sorrow, pain, anger and a whole plethora of hellish features. There are a great many good things. They simply seem overwhlemed by the bad. I'm not depressed, nor am I missing anything in particular, but when I look around I see a lot of stress/worries/war. Part of that is because part of the human condition seems that we're so goddamn attracted to things falling apart... watch the news sometime, the "good" news stories are just filler... good and bad were netiher before we gave them a name though, along with time and space. It exists without us but it's not defined, I feel special. So maybe I'll go over why we're so damn insignifigant.

They ( and by they I mean physicists/chemists etc) say that in the beginning of the universe... something like a trillionth of a trillionth of a trillionth of a second after the big bang... matter and antimatter essentially went to war. MAD (Mutaully Assured Destruction... think cold war... nukes... etc.) on something of a tiny (but massive) scale. But the trouble is, for every trillion antimatter paticles there were a trillion and one matter particles, so in the end we got what we got. So instead of an infinite darkness we got a lot of darkness with some stars, planets, and huge interdimensional wormholes that are tough to wrap the brain around... and although there are a lot of stars out there, they are still rare. So imagine this. The universe is an infinite darkness with a hundred million trillion billion trillion... etc... matches lit within. Any number compared to infinity is essentailly busted down to nothing. Really, it's a mathematical fact, the only number yo ucan divide by infinity and not get zero from is infinity itself. So... in the end it's just darkness anyways...

kinda depressing isn't it?

Now think about this... in all that infinite empty dark cold space. You're nothing. those stars that amount to zero? We're about a trillionth the size of even a small star. Fucking relativity.

This is your life. Make it. Enjoy it. Dont fail at the things that matter to you. Stay Fearless. Love life, Put that strength you know you have to good use. That thing in your head is more dangerous and far more worrisome than any bomb. There's potential for great things here. There's also potential for failure. Stop procrastinating. Take the world by storm.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm capable of anything. I dont know if it's arrogance or some form of strength. There are days when I feel as if I could fight any battle and come out of it with a grin from ear to ear. I think of everything I do as a fight. The sad reality is that I'm at war with myself... and I feel like I'm losing (to what?)... I'm lonely. I'm hurting. I want to be fighting. Kickboxing. Tae Kwon Doe. Karate. Boxing. whatever... I have that furious energy and nowhere to direct it again. I hate that feeling. The deep down strength. and the fact that it's totally wasted. I reckon there's nothing left to say again.

Dont ever question your being based on where you are in relation to someone else, question your being in relation to where you want to be. Unless your competitive...

If I just lay here. Would you lay with me and just forget the world? You dont have to look far to find happyness. But I swear sometimes The issue is just that we choose not to see it. We want a specific thing to make us happy, so we shun anything that doesn't fit our ideal happyness. The trouble is... fantasy is almost always better than reality. So what we think we want... what we've been holding out for; might not be what we want at all. As always this isn't about something specific, just random thoughts.

Working two jobs now, if I'm not at CVG I'm sleepin, eating, or workin at CT. I sort of enjoy the money but the lack of time in which to spend it is a bitch. I've been informed that my roomates' old roomate is coming back for the fall semester so I'll have to find a new place to live as of then. Not really sure if I'll stick around in Lethy as I've got no real attatchment to the place. I feel like I have wanderlust but there isn't anywhere specific I want to visit. I feel like I've been sitting at a crossroads for a while now. I suppose I'm too indecisive but when it just looks like a series of empty roads and you have no knowledge of your destination, it's difficult to make any choices.

I guess I'm still struggling with the same problems I had when Ky and I initially broke up... I'm over her (as much as you ever get over someone you loved)... but I've never been good at finding things to do for myself. When someone else is involed I guess it's just so much easier to grit you teeth and tough it out when your not happy with things. I guess the want to do well for that other person was what drove me before, but now I'm just not motivated to do anything with myself. I dont want anything... I mean physical objects yes, but an I-pod or a new car never makes you happy anyways, it's just what you do with it... anyways other than that I dont want anything specific that I can make happen, I want someone to be with but... well you cant very well just choose to fall in love with some random person anyways. I guess I probably sound like your typical single 18 year old guy with no real goals, probably cause thats what I am... but as always this isn't because I feel the need to explain myself to someone else but rather I need to explain myself to myself.

*sigh* this is easily the longest thing I've ever posted on here... It's 2:45 and I'm gonna go for a walk to look at the stars (well... what can be seen in the city) and then off to bed. Good night.

Everyone's doin their absolute best to be like someone else, to conform to the way the world is. It's tough to be original because, of course, you cant take the idea from somewhere else... at least not directly. Anyone can imitate something they've seen, but only a few people have that spark of creativity or originality... or maybe just spontenaeity (I'm aware thats likely spelled wrong).

Ever notice how everyone wants to one-up everyone else when it comes to pain? When it's scars we're talking about, the conversation usually consists of a simple pattern:

Person 1 (P1): Life sucks
Person 2 (P2): yeah it does... whats up?
P1: Well (insert generic shitty deal here)
P2: damn... that does suck
P2: I know how it feels man
P1: yeah
P2: The same thing happened to me
P2: but imagine if it happened with (insert extra bad shit here)
P1: yeah... well ...

and of course it goes on. I'm no better, but sometimes looking at a conversation I wonder what the fuck we're doing. Trying to best each other? Ohhh my scars are deeper, give me sympathy! What are any of us trying to accomplish? Great big pissing contest eh...

Drew's Theory of life: Humans are driven by sex, the want to procreate. The basic human needs: Air, Water, Shelter, Food, Warmth. Many people will sell out other fellow human beings and deprive them of these basic needs in order to get things they dont really need... but really really enjoy (such as little scraps of paper, shiny moving objects etc etc.) But of course these material objects are nothing without the memory of using them. We're based entirely on memory, without it we would be nothing. " I am convinced that without memory life would be nothing more than a serious of ridiculously happy events" - Matt Good. Sounds about right... so here we are these slowly dying machines running off of stored chemical energy. Lovely.

I love the ADD kicking in... next line of thoughts... if you look back on who you were as a kid... or even around 3 or 4 years ago (for me anyways) you realize how different you are... and suddenly you dont reeally feel like yourself anymore.

It's 3:22am and I havent anything useful to say anymore, goodnight.

It's difficult to put the past in it's place. All the "what if's" and nostalgia makes it that way. There are a million things I wish so much that I had changed when I had the chance. There are a million things I should have known... or at least wish I'd known when they would of made a difference. It's all well and good to say that you cant change things, it's entirely another to be okay with that. Just like knowing something intellectually is completely different from knowing it in your gut.

What do you do when you dont know what you want? I mean there are always constants... money and nice things, someone to love, basic necessities. I've always been at my best when I really wanted something, and for too long I've felt as if there isn't anything out there for me. I'm always searching...

There was a time when I dreamt of being on a beach far from everywhere, under the stars, away from city lights. In the most perfect dream I was there with someone I loved, and I was at peace. I, like everyone else, have changed, and I'm still changing. I think I was much better off before.

How do you define stength? I have come to believe that it has nothing to do with your physical power, nothing to do with agility, and nothing to do with intelligence. True strength is internal, it's the will to push harder, it's that inner fire that swells to an inferno when it's needed. It's the single greatest factor in determining character. "You might take me down, but i will fight to the last... I will fight to defend that which I hold dear, those who cannot defend themselves, and above all, those who I love" ... that warrior mentality, chivalry, honour... doesn't seem to exist anymore. It may have only really existed in myths and legends. Perhaps thats why I find it such a pleasant ideal.

these are the ramblings of a fool, I have no points to make, just need to get it all outta my head every so often. Good night.

I feel cold despite the heat, alone despite the hundreds of others studying in this library, and sick despite the fact that I'm in perfect health. It shouldn't be this way, I'm well off and yet I still feel sorry for myself. I think it's due to a lack of having anything left that I really feel for. Kyrissa and I are talking again, and I miss her. More to the point, I miss having someone to love. She made me want to make something of myself. I need to stop relying on someone else for that inspiration (that doesn't seem like the right word) I know, but It's not something I find easy.

Tomorrow I have a math exam, one that I have tried to make sense of. For once I found something I think I'm actually incapable of learning. A fail in that exam is enough to bring my GPA so low that I'll be kicked out of the university for a year. Unless of course I get 100% on physics and 100% on calculus... both on Monday (unless my brain triples in size thats pretty damn unlikely). Suddenly I'm not so sure I'll come back here... I dont know where else I'd go, but none of this feels right anymore.

We'll all fuck up again sooner or later, its funny how thats always so apperant when your not involved in a situation. When it happens to you it's always "o noes the world is comin down around my ears" but when your detatched its so different. I'm just as guilty as everyone else, but sometimes it seems pretty ridiculous when your just there to observe and not to participate. Again this isnt about something specific, just coming from a conversation with my good friend in Elkford who just had a kid. My ex just had a kid and 2 more of my ex's are pregnant(I'm not involved in any way with any of them). How freaky is that? We're all 18 still except for Tiff ... I think she's 19. Getting pregnant seems to be the thing to do if your from the valley, so happy I'm a guy. Nothing in this post is related by the way, I'm not insinuating that those kids are mistakes. I just keep randomly leaving and coming back. night.

I dont feel like myself anymore. Lately I've been wondering if I ever really did. At least I'm as random as always, just like this video: http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1682246/ enjoy.

"do you know, everyone you ever swore you'd love for life? I dont know them anymore. I know their names. I'd recognize them on the street. and I dont love them" ... fucking universe... I'm in a mood tonight, I'm just pissed off with no real direction, so FUCK YOU EVERYTHING. This isn't directed at anyone by the way, so no outraged "oohh what did I do to you"... cause you know what you did... (nothing)... fucking exams lead to drinking which leads to semi-drunk (thinking Drew) wanting to fill an olympic sized swimming pool with nitro-glycerine and then to jump in with a hand grenade. Do I sound destructive? suicidal? I'm really not, I'm just pissed off and I like big old explosions and I cant have any. SO ANYWAYS... after that nice little warped rant, I think I'm going to have to see how many jobs I can work this summer, see how much money I can put away (and spend on tequila and JD)... I'm looking forward to it honestly, beats the living hell outta being in school. Class just drives me nuts cause I feel like I'm not actually accomplishing anything. Not that I think I'll feel accomplished working a job like convergys, but at least I'll have money and therefore booze and therefore some time where my brain isn't thinking self destructive thoughts of nostalgia... maybe. Anyways thats my rant about nothing in particular... aside from the agression towards everything in existance which will pass within a few minutes I guess... night kids.

Maybe if we ever coulda kept it all together... where would we be? Blah... classes are done in 3 days, and then on to finals, so I'm taking bets, on whether I'll fail or pass, any takers? I think I need to... hell I dunno what I was gonna say, I hate losing momentum in these things, I start a post and I type 2 lines and then I just say "wtf, I dont have anything to type!" ... so I guess that means this post isn't about anything in particular... so instead I'm just gonna go dig for something to eat, and then I'm going to sleep. WAIT! I have somehting to talk about now, and it's so astounding tha-... ah shit I lost it, night.

I'm so restless these days. I miss a lot of things and a lot of people, the nostalgia is overwhelming. Memories hurt, you can protect someone from the world but no matter who you are your always within striking distance of your own mind. I find it strange that the 'good' memories can do as much harm as good. I think I can pinpoint the best moment of my life, and it wasn't some monumental occasion or really anything far out of the ordinary. That moment was just looking into someone else's eyes. It sounds so cliche but I dont mind, because it never matters about how it sounds to someone else. That memory and those green eyes haunt me, because I think my biggest fear is that I'll never be that happy again. You know who you are, and I dont blame you for anything thats happened. "It won't be the first - heart that you'll break, It won't be the last - beautiful girl, The one that you wrecked - won't take you back, If you were the last beautiful girl in the world, So Tell me one more time How you're sorry about the way This all went down, you needed to find your space, You needed to still be friends." ... and thats why it hurts. Goodnight