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shattered, but fearless

Apr. 12th, 2007 | 01:55 am
mood: restlessrestless
music: Snow patrol - your all I have

You must become a light in the dark, you must destroy that which is misery, and illuminate all else. You must gain your strength from within and, where possible, from others. You must use that strength to be fearless, to be strong. You must find a purpose in a life that has none. You must make yourself happy, and make those you care about happy. You must watch the stars to forget the world, You must love deeply where you find it, and accept those you love for who they are. You will not bow to this cold, you will not bow to this darkness, for you are the light, a blazing fury in an infinite nothing. Let fate come, let the universe burn you out, you will not go quietly into the night, you will never, ever go down without a struggle, you will not succumb to fear, you will fail at times, but you will triumph in the end. And if I die tomorrow, this way of life will have been my victory, if life is a war, you will lose many battles, but you will win the war.

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Feb. 11th, 2007 | 12:04 am
location: My Chair
mood: okayI'm okay
music: Prime Time Deliverance - Matt Good

Some days everything you look at has a little beauty. It's like that bottle on your desk has suddenly taken on the power of a grand work of art. A sunset, whether it's over the rise of buildings or mountaintops, or turning prairie and ocean to fire in it's wake, is enough to drive you to pure ecstasy. Billions of shimmering lights in sky dark like black velvet, shining with unequivocal brilliance... is just enough to set you at peace with the world... and maybe yourself. It's just the beauty of existing, and we all notice it far too rarely. It's there. Just remember that it's there.

I have not done a thing with myself, I keep putting it off until too late in the day. Will I ever learn? I might, but I doubt it. What is the rush anyways? There are a million things out there to fight for, but which one matters to you? or to me for that matter? It's a hard old world, its cold outside and somewhere... maybe more than one where, at this very moment someone is dying, and a new life is just beginning, and how cliche can I get? You dont want to know. It's all okay just so long as you just remember it's there. It exists, and it wants to exist. Now you have to ask yourself: do you want to exist? Do you want a purpose. Will you MAKE ONE FOR YOURSELF?!... I want to so very badly, but I dont know what I want to make it into... My life is the clay on the potters wheel, my mind is the wheel, and I am the hands shaping that clay, but my wheel wont turn... Although it has to be my decision in the end so perhaps i should just go with reckless abandon and dive right in... I'm a contradiction, but I think it's okay... just so long as you remember it's there, and everything will be okay... Sweet dreams

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Jan. 30th, 2007 | 01:07 am
location: same as always
mood: blahblah
music: BBQ stain - Tim mcgraw

You can have anything in life as long as you're willing to give up everything else for it. What do you want? for that matter what do I want? well here's what comes to mind: I want a job I want to go to in the morning, I want someone to love who'll love me back, I want to have a full stomach and a good nights sleep most of the time, and a wicked party and crazy night any other time. I dont want to waste this time. So why do I say I dont know what I want? Maybe I'm afraid of commiting to the path that'll lead me to these things. It's not a hard road, in fact it's a lot of riding on someone else's dime... but I'm making it hard on myself because I cant decide what will bring me to that path, or I cant decide to jump in.... tomorrow, every time it's tomorrow.

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Decisions decisions

Jan. 28th, 2007 | 11:45 pm
location: my room
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: OLP - Thief

I want to find something to do with myself. Right, I've said it I'm doing NOTHING these days, and it's starting to take a toll on that lumpy thing in my skull. Trouble is I'm either overthinking this way to much or I really just cant decide what I want to do with my life... maybe it's a fear of commitment. I've always had trouble commiting to school, relationships, work etc... so I guess i need to overcome that. In any case I've been talking big for far to long about leaving convergys, moving on, going back to school, finding something that suits me... and I havent even been looking for these things, just pushing them to the back of my mind and letting them gather dust. Then again, just how does one decide what they're going to do with their life if they dont feel strongly about anything in particular? I'm a reactionary, certain things bother me, but I'll only do something about them if they're really horrible or if they happen right in front of me. Anyhow, back to these troubled decisions... I'm good with technology, I like people so long as I dont have to do the whole customer service bullshit (ever been yelled at by 83 people in one day for something the company you work for doesn't even have control over? I have, on more than one occasion... fuck you comcast, in giant bold flaming neon fucking letters)... man I keep wandering off on tangents again... anyhow I dont know what I can apply that to because it opens a lot of doors, but not to anything that has peaked my interest so far. I could go into med, I have the ability, but I dont think I'd want someone elses life in my hands. Gah, good to get some of it down on paper... (well... you know what I mean) so I can mull it over later.

*sigh* these things are always good insight as to whats on my mind, because I have trouble processing my thoughts into anything sensible in my head.

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Nuke CVG

Nov. 5th, 2006 | 01:25 am
location: My room, Lethbridge
mood: irritatedirritated
music: Your Ex-lover is dead - Stars

I dont talk often. I havent updated this in some time, mostly because now that I'm working my only real dilemna is whether I should spend the money to hit the bar tonight with whichever people I know that are going out.

I hate that.

I hate the fact that my only challenges daily are: how best to best avoid ranting/demeaning/mauling or attacking some jackass who cannot understand why you do not put a modem through a dishwasher, and whether or not to go out and get blitzed.

Time to kill this Apathy and get a fucking move on? Yes... I think it finally is.

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special with a capital "r"

Sep. 10th, 2006 | 02:39 am
mood: lethargiclethargic
music: Angels losing sleep - OLP

I'm back. and my liver is pissed at me. drank the last 4 nights in a row, tonight is the night off. Probably be back at it in a few days. Anyhow I'm not back in school, first sept in 14 years. kinda weird feeling, kinda miss it, kinda wish I was doing something with my life.

new shit: signed up for a tae kwon-do class with Wade, should be fun. Looking for a new job because dealing with ppl will ultimately end up with me having to bury some bodies and hide the shotgun (hey, you try helping americans with their computers, it's like showing a gerbil how to do calculus, they just wont fucking learn). The rig idea has been delayed until December-ish most likely, until this course of mine runs out anyhow. I've moved into my new place on rutgers, and I'm enjoying the large room. I've also switched to 4-10 hr shifts per wk instead of 5-8 hr shifts, resulting in an extra day off. Oh well, i dont figure I'll stick around anyways.

anyhow I'm not in a particularily happy mood lately, so if I tell you to go fuck yourself try not to take it personally.


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edit: I was drunk, this is the good bit

Jun. 28th, 2006 | 02:05 am
mood: rejuvenatedinfinite
music: 30 seconds to mars - fantasy

Give me no quarter, and I will give you the same respect.

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Jun. 23rd, 2006 | 02:35 am
location: My apartment
mood: awake
music: Born to Kill - MG

so this is the world we live in. It is filled with sorrow, pain, anger and a whole plethora of hellish features. There are a great many good things. They simply seem overwhlemed by the bad. I'm not depressed, nor am I missing anything in particular, but when I look around I see a lot of stress/worries/war. Part of that is because part of the human condition seems that we're so goddamn attracted to things falling apart... watch the news sometime, the "good" news stories are just filler... good and bad were netiher before we gave them a name though, along with time and space. It exists without us but it's not defined, I feel special. So maybe I'll go over why we're so damn insignifigant.

They ( and by they I mean physicists/chemists etc) say that in the beginning of the universe... something like a trillionth of a trillionth of a trillionth of a second after the big bang... matter and antimatter essentially went to war. MAD (Mutaully Assured Destruction... think cold war... nukes... etc.) on something of a tiny (but massive) scale. But the trouble is, for every trillion antimatter paticles there were a trillion and one matter particles, so in the end we got what we got. So instead of an infinite darkness we got a lot of darkness with some stars, planets, and huge interdimensional wormholes that are tough to wrap the brain around... and although there are a lot of stars out there, they are still rare. So imagine this. The universe is an infinite darkness with a hundred million trillion billion trillion... etc... matches lit within. Any number compared to infinity is essentailly busted down to nothing. Really, it's a mathematical fact, the only number yo ucan divide by infinity and not get zero from is infinity itself. So... in the end it's just darkness anyways...

kinda depressing isn't it?

Now think about this... in all that infinite empty dark cold space. You're nothing. those stars that amount to zero? We're about a trillionth the size of even a small star. Fucking relativity.

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(no subject)

Jun. 7th, 2006 | 02:45 am

This is your life. Make it. Enjoy it. Dont fail at the things that matter to you. Stay Fearless. Love life, Put that strength you know you have to good use. That thing in your head is more dangerous and far more worrisome than any bomb. There's potential for great things here. There's also potential for failure. Stop procrastinating. Take the world by storm.

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Light my soul ablaze

May. 26th, 2006 | 01:34 am
mood: energeticStrong enough
music: On The radio - Regina Spektor

Sometimes I feel as if I'm capable of anything. I dont know if it's arrogance or some form of strength. There are days when I feel as if I could fight any battle and come out of it with a grin from ear to ear. I think of everything I do as a fight. The sad reality is that I'm at war with myself... and I feel like I'm losing (to what?)... I'm lonely. I'm hurting. I want to be fighting. Kickboxing. Tae Kwon Doe. Karate. Boxing. whatever... I have that furious energy and nowhere to direct it again. I hate that feeling. The deep down strength. and the fact that it's totally wasted. I reckon there's nothing left to say again.

Dont ever question your being based on where you are in relation to someone else, question your being in relation to where you want to be. Unless your competitive...

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